Redemption

For the last ten years I've regularly had nightmares about high school and uni. Dreams where I'm late to exams, in class naked, being made to start again from primary school or being made to do the three subjects I needed to get my first degree and failing them again.

Last night I dreamt that at the start of last year I had, due to my decision to go back to tertiary education, been re-enrolled in the HSC, Even though I didn't go to any classes and didn't sit for any exams I received my new UAI which was 20 points higher than the one I got back in 2000. I still flunked Physics though.

It felt like my subconscious mind has finally forgiven me. The weight of my biggest burden, and biggest regret has finally been lifted from my shoulders.

38 Pieces of Flare

Sometimes I feel like I haven't really grown up yet. I mean, I've been out in the big bad world on my own for sometime now, but I'm just not professional. I don't have "work clothes" I wear the same dress, leggings and cardigan combination to work that I would wear on the weekend. I would always choose a bright nail polish over a neutral tone. I was buying an iPad case last night and after much debate I got the baby pink one instead of the sleek grey one. Last but not least my ringtone on my phone is I'm on a Boat by The Lonely Island.

I wonder if there's a point when I will outgrow the kitsch? I'm slowly decorating my house into something I'm proud of, and while it looks great and matches, it's all bright bold colours. On my walls are three posters very tastefully framed and hung, but they are pictures of Matthew Caws from Nada Surf, Gob and Franklin and FAC01.

But is there anything wrong with this? Most of the time I'm happy being the person that brings colour and happiness to an other wise grey society. But I guess that if I'm even having these thoughts whether it's time to change.

And it's another thing that ties into my weight. It's hard deliberately standing out in a crowd when you already do because of your size and how much room you're taking up on the seat of the train.

Now Face West

Back in September I spoke of my conflict about what to do this year. I ended up applying for the criminology course at UWS, and I found out this week that I got in. I've decided to accept the offer and I'm Bankstown bound for the next three years.

I hope to god I don't fuck it up like the last time. I'm so scared that I will.

...of toilet paper and relationships

I just had an experience that summed up my relationship better than words ever could.

I went to the bathroom and realised we were low on toilet paper. So straight away I went to the cupboard to get some more so the next person to use the toilet [presumably Phil] wouldn't run out half way through. Phil had noticed before me that the toilet paper was low, but waited until he was going to the loo again to do a refill.

Memories

One of the coolest things I've ever seen happened when I flew from Liverpool to Bratislava. It was night time and we were somewhere over France or Germany. Flying over a town or city maybe, who can tell from that height at night, they were letting off fireworks into the night sky. Flying over those fireworks and watching from above was just magical.

What to do?

I'm  so confused about what I want to do next year. I had my course all planned. I'd do the Youth Work Diploma and then do Social Welfare via distance ed at CSU. Now I am really considering scrapping all that and doing criminology either at UNSW or more likely UWS.

The confusing part is whether I should continue doing the diploma. I doubt it would get me any advanced standing at uni (for example if I was to do something like Community Welfare at UWS I'd get recognition of prior learning for a whole year's worth of credit so it would only take me two years instead of three) but it would give me more of a broad range of career prospects. If I do Criminology I am setting myself firmly down the juvenile justice path.

What's stopping me from 100% staying with the diploma is that so many jobs require a degree. So if I know now which degree I want to do, why am I wasting my time with another year of something that isn't going to get me to my ultimate target?

The last thing I need to think about is how late I've left it. I need to decide this pretty quickly if I want to start a degree next year. And if I do then I need to register for the STAT test pretty quickly but then apply late and have to pay a fortune to do so.

I don't know. I'm so confused.

If I could be anywhere in the world right now I'd be in Prague. Eating menu 2 in Wenceslas Square.

Nada Surf Moments

Stalemate, off the 1996 Album High/Low is my favourite Nada Surf song to hear live. Between the second verse and the bridge they often cut into a verse or two of Love Will Tear us Apart before tearing back into Stalemate; “should’ve been a wreck, might’ve been a wreck.” It’s just so magic and one of the reasons why I love my favourite band so much.

Here's a good version from the YouTubes. There's also a quality version on the Live in Brussels album.

Changes

Gosh it’s been so long since my last update. Tafe is going really well. I passed all my first semester subjects with flying colours and I’m three weeks into semester two. Classes feel a bit harder this semester, but deeper, covering subjects such as counseling techniques and dealing with crisis and trauma.

I’ve also started my work placement at a refuge. I’m enjoying it so much. It’s definitely an affirmation that I am doing the right thing, and I’d even go so far as to say that I have found my calling. The place is run by such strong women who are great role models for not only me but the people staying at the refuge and I’m so lucky that I get the chance to learn off them every week.

I turned 28 in June. Ever since then I’ve really felt a shift. Like things are different now. It’s reminded me of something I heard a few years ago that your life is lived in stages of seven year periods, and every seven years you change. I don’t know why but I really believe this, and it seems pretty true for me.

Years 14 to 20 were really about finding my character. Working out who I was as a person and forming the foundations for my adulthood. 21 to 27 was about getting my shit together. Growing up, working, travelling, having relationships and having some hard times as I grew and learned. Now, 28 to 34 is all about setting the foundations for the rest of my life, working on my career, hopefully getting married in the next few years and doing adult stuff like buying a new car and a house.

there's 80 windows we can see

You say you like the one with the father who always eats with his son

I like the rows of lights because they keep me calm